Being a caregiver for your spouse is not always ideal but no one knows your spouse better than you do. You’ve shared a life together. You know what makes each other tick. So, it’s only natural that you may be taking care of them now that they’re ailing and you’re both older. No is better equipped for this than you. Besides, when it comes right down to it, you feel you owe it to them, whether or not “in sickness and in health” was part of your wedding vows.
But you never realized it was going to be this hard. Maybe you’re feeling more tired than usual. Or you’re having trouble sleeping. Or you’ve had to neglect friendships and set aside activities that meant a lot to you. Still, you’re not complaining. That’s what you do for someone you love. You make sacrifices. You soldier on.
When someone suggests your spouse might do better living in a senior living community, you can’t help feeling shocked, perhaps even offended, as if the care you’re providing isn’t good enough, as if you’re not trying your hardest. Besides, you’re not ready to move. Your home is filled with precious memories. And the idea of becoming separated or leaving your spouse’s care to strangers can be horrifying.
These are all perfectly legitimate feelings.
But here’s something to think about: You can still be a loving spouse while admitting that, despite your best efforts, you need help.
Unravel the competing roles of being a caregiver for your spouse
The first thing to realize is that being someone’s spouse and being someone’s caregiver are two different roles. And sometimes they conflict.
Marriage is all about give and take. But when one partner is ailing, particularly if it’s for an extended period, that balance is thrown off. From the healthy partner’s perspective it becomes give and give. And no matter how hard they try to keep a positive attitude, it’s difficult to keep resentment from creeping in.
Often, spouses express relief after letting go of some of their caregiving responsibilities. They discover that they can go back to being a husband or wife rather than playing the competing role of live-in nurse or personal support worker. They still may hold on to some caregiving responsibilities, but they’re more manageable. They’re not all-consuming.
Overcome the feeling “I’m the only one who can do this”
It’s hard to let go of the belief that you’re the only person who can truly look after your spouse. But it’s necessary. For their sake and for yours.
It may be a difficult leap to make, particularly if you’ve had health care workers parachute into your life who don’t take time to get to know your spouse and end up being not much help at all. It’s only natural to not want to get burned the same way again.
The important thing to realize is that there are support services out there that do a much better job. It’s just a matter of finding ones you can trust.
Let go of the notion that your own needs are secondary
It’s easy to assume that looking after someone you love is all about sacrifice. The trouble is this perspective rarely serves you or your spouse in the long run.
If you ignore your own needs, sooner or later you’ll have nothing left in your tank. Some family caregivers may soldier on for years, thinking they’re coping fine. Then something suddenly and unexpectedly triggers a health crisis of their own.
To get a fresh perspective on this, check out the Caregiver Bill of Rights.
Stop pretending that things are fine
If you have adult children, they may be pushing you to get help. But if you’ve done a particularly good job of insisting that you and your spouse are coping fine, don’t be surprised if they’re confused are perhaps even a little resistant when you finally seek help.
Why might your kids be resistant? Well, perhaps they don’t want to believe that one of their parents is getting old and frail. Perhaps they don’t understand everything you have to do to support your spouse on a day-to-day basis and the toll it’s taking on you. Perhaps they’re feeling guilty they haven’t done more to support both of you. Or perhaps they’re worried that you’re expecting them to take over from you.
Whatever the reason for their confusion or resistance, don’t let them dissuade you from getting the support you both need. They may just need time to come around. Share this article with them, if you think it will help.
Consider options that meet both your needs
When you’ve reached the point where you’re ready to accept help, look for options that meet the needs of both you and your spouse.
For instance, something like an adult day program might offer your spouse a chance to get out of the house, meet some new people, have a meal, and have some care needs looked after by qualified staff while you take a break.
Or you might want to explore retirement homes that cater to couples. Their staff could take over some care tasks from you on a day-to-day basis while you regain your social life by taking advantage of their activity programs and meeting new neighbors.
If you get to this step, congratulations. You’ve likely done a lot of soul-searching to get here.
If a loved one is faced with memory loss, you may find our Just the Facts Guide: Memory Care helpful for understanding memory care in senior living communities.